The LCLY Zhumau: Since Baby Passed Away...

Ever since Baby passed away...

Life has never been so lonely... Couldnt help but to "imagine" Baby still there... at every corner, Baby seems to be there...

The first week is the worst... so I thought... No... It is not the first week that is the worst...

Matter of fact, every moment is so hard to "face"... It is not easy for me...

I remember, just a few days after Baby passed away... I was sitting alone in the living room and as usual, I will call out for Baby... but "reality" slap hard on my face... as this time, the different is, there is no movement, that Baby is coming towards me, no "Baby's Bell" heard, and Baby not sitting beside me, looking sweetly at me...

Baby.... as usual, sleep beside me every night before going down to her own "Baby Corner"... Suddenly, my bed felt so "huge and empty"... I had never felt my cozy bed being so... "empty..." and needless to say... I cry myself to sleep...

And at times when I drive home, near condo, I will think "Wat should I feed my Baby tonight?" or "Baby must have hate for coming home so late..." and... I realized, my brain is "imagining" things... I am so used to having these thoughts...

I also remember that I wrote to my housemate to announce Baby's RIP, as follow:

---

Dear My Beloved Housemates….

Please do not be surprised when you come home tonight and Baby is not around…

My Beloved BABY had peacefully passed away…. (maybe she did struggle a bit la… according to receptionist and etc there…)

She passed away, ten days after her 5th Birthday. I am extremely sad and indeed, I had no choice but to let her go… She had left us a lot of wonderful and sweet memories… I will always have her in my heart and I hope she left a good impression to you…

According to doctor, it could be bacterial infection and her white cells are extremely high, hence the body couldn’t really fight back. I believe she had done her best. I am relieved that I had the opportunity to see her for the last time yesterday, she struggle to turn her head and look at me, which I believe, is the answer to all this. I am deeply grateful that she is with me all this while, to go through with me, the high and low of my life.

I have cremated her and will be back her urn tomorrow noon, her urn will be with us, and I will put her urn near the altar (if this is OK with all of you). It is sad to watch her being cremated but it leave me no choice. I wanted to include all of you but I know you guys are busy and working, which is understood.

Moving on, I will be working again, starting tomorrow. And it is today, be a memorable day for us, 24th February 2009, the day we mourn to celebrate the love of mankind to “Man’s Best Friend” and to rejoice that it is because of “Man’s Best Friend”, that our life is such a wonderful one and with them, it is easier for us to go through the rocky mountains of life. With this, I thank you for all the help and love shown to my beloved BABY and of course, BABY love us, I truly believe so… May she rest in peace…

---~~~---

I even bought a self-help book, to help me get over this sad chapter of my life; "They Don't See What I See: How to Talk with Loved Ones Who Have Crossed Over" by Ruth Berger; and I remember & I quote:

---

Q: What happens after a person dies?

A by Dr. Wu: After a person dies, their soul hovers near the body for seventy-two hours. Often the soul gives the messages of love and encouragement to the survivors to help them face the future.

---

This ring a bell. The night (or rather early morning) Baby pass away, I felt Baby was around, which is weird...

When I wake up, my towel is on the floor, and as usual, Baby will go to the towel, arrange it a bit and sleep on it...

And, because I thought it is Baby...

I said, "Baby, dont sleep there la! Later my towel dirty le..."

And after that, I total wake up and look at the towel, to my disappointment, nothing there... BUT, believe it or not... I felt Baby was there...

And that morning... around 12pm, the vet called to inform me the bad news... I was calm as I did suspect something was wrong...

But... it was easier for me as my boss and colleagues is supportive... I took half day and cremated Baby... and the "towel" incident is Baby's special way of saying goodbye or giving me some encouragement...

The only thing I recalled in the clinic was me cleaning up Baby's body and hair... I keep telling the doctor that my dog is very clean and hate to look like this.... I think I scared the vet a bit... He was helping me cleaning my dog... He must be thinking I am crazy.... I couldnt remember whether I cried... I guess I did... for sure...

Actually, one day before all this happen, during lunch time, I went to see Baby... she was so weak and... sleeping... I went close to her and touch her, caress her slowly, give her some encouragement, and she try very hard to open her eyes and turn her head to me... I couldnt take it and cry...begging her to recover... my heart just so felt so pain... so... helpless.... that was the last time I saw her... and was... the last time she see me also... (cry...)

No wonder she try so hard... as though she know is "going" and that was the last time we will be together... I just cant stop thinking this sad part.... her eyes... conveyed her pain and love to me at the same time... :'(

At cremation, right before the person cremate my dog... He asked, "Are you OK? Are you ready to let her go?", I couldnt recall whether I nodded or shaked my head but he proceed... The FLAME was consuming Baby... I break into tears... BUT... it was for the best...

The next day... Baby's urn is back... as promised... It is now beside the altar... :-)

I know it is stupid, but, I still "feel" and miss Baby a lot...

and... I dont think I can have another dog... I have put so much of LOVE for Baby and...

and I am still not ready for another dog...

Maybe sometime in the future but not now...

I LOVE BABY...